Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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