he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
