At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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