Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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