I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My ass is underappreciated
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
