I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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