just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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