I skipped work to stalk him.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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