there's paper in my vomit.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
