I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
