My room smells like vodka and shame
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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