I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
