I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
