whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so let's talk penis.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
