they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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