my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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