he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
