He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
