i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Pants are for mortals
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
