remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
