proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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