Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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