The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My pussy is not your playground.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
