My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
