just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
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