dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
