I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
