his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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