I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
