I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
