she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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