do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
