mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
