i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize