Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
