One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
