when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
