i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
