Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
