I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
