the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
