There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
