Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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