haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
