so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
