I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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