Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
