I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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