Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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