I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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