I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
