just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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