dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
In other news, I just burned my penis
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
