I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize