if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
