rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
