Four minutes until I can fart!
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
